empty

In September of 2009, I remember praying God I give her to you. You can have my daughter, she is all yours. In less than two weeks she was gone. A custody battle ensued and from the world’s eyes I had lost the battle. I was left empty. I was lost and scared and I didn’t know how to breathe without my daughter. She had been my everything, my rock she was the one I had confided in and went to for strength and support. I cried out to God, “I don’t understand why this is happening.” The Holy Spirit very gently whispered, “You gave her to me remember?” I had said that prayer to God weeks earlier and yes I meant it from my heart, but had I known these events were going to happen, I wouldn’t have prayed that prayer. If I could have taken it back in that moment I would have taken it back in a second. Our family went through tremendous pain for the next six years. If you do the math you can see we are still in the place of pain, brokenness, not healed, but mending, slowly healing.

There are many things as her mother I am doing different now. I am a better listener, I am more patient, and I am learning not to sweat the small stuff. I say yes more and no less. We sing and dance often. We laugh at ourselves. We ask for forgiveness as much as needed. We give grace like peanut butter we try to smother it over everything. We eat dinner together every night no exceptions. We pray together several times a day. We give lots of hugs and kisses throughout the day.

But there is a part of me that is still empty, so empty. I miss her so much. I miss what could have been. I miss what wasn’t. I miss that I wasn’t the Mother I am now, back then, knowing that I couldn’t be the Mother I am now without going through all the heartache until now. God became my everything after my daughter was gone, she had been the rock that God alone is intended to be.

I pray that over time God would mend her broken heart and heal her and restore her. I know that He has huge plans for her life. She is beautiful. She is smart. She is an amazing athlete gifted by God. She is unique. She is priceless. She is special. She is set apart to do amazing things that only she can accomplish. She is worthy of love and forgiveness. She is full of wisdom and strength and covered in dignity. Her smile will melt your heart. Her laughter is contagious. She is a fearless competitor you will never beat her. Her hugs are warm and healing. Her eyes can penetrate your inner being. I call her my daughter. I am proud of her. I am thankful for her. God created her very life, he gave her breath and He named her. She is His.

To My Sweet Daughter,  I love you. Please forgive me for hurting your heart. I will wait for you as long as it takes. Our door will always be open to you. I miss you.

God I am empty and tired and I need to know that you can restore what has been broken. God I need to see the other side of the struggle. I need you to fill me up because I am worn. I feel like my prayers are empty and God I need to know your listening. Please God fill me up, when I feel I cannot carry on. Lord I choose to forgive every person who has wronged me, Lord I ask you to move in their hearts to forgive me for wrongs I have done to them. Lord I ask for restoration and healings to begin.  It is impossible with man, but everything is possible with you. Help me Lord to show your love and forgiveness and grace to others as I receive it from you Lord.

Romans 4:17-21

As it is written: “I have made you a father of many nations.” He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed -the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were. Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead- since he was about a hundred years old- and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.

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3 thoughts on “empty

  1. Teandra again my heart related and tears came as I also know great loss of my children as you know and especially my oldest daughter Jael as she still will not be in a friendship with me after 7 years + . I also gave everything to God my marriage , kids, home etc… and lost it all … And I have learned that getting to know Gods heart deeper can only come by experiencing his pain. It also sometimes isnt about us, its about what they must go through and their need for God/a savior and unfortunately we get broken in the process of what could be their very healing. I pray our daughters find Jesus and God restores all that was lost !!! Thank you for you amazing blogs

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  2. My prayer for YOU, in your own words sweet friend..”I pray that over time God would mend her broken heart and heal her and restore her. I know that He has huge plans for her life. She is beautiful. She is smart…..She is unique. She is priceless. She is special. She is set apart to do amazing things that only she can accomplish. She is worthy of love and forgiveness. She is full of wisdom and strength and covered in dignity.” You too are worthy of love and forgiveness.

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