Healing from Sexual Hurts

Song of Songs 2:3-4

Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love.

SEX…

Yes I said it, SEX there I said it again SEX and yes I even capitalized it, you should probably go pray for me, well do that anyway I always need it. Christian women never talk about sex. It’s like a dirty three-letter word, when it shouldn’t be. A few years ago with my husband, I remember watching a video of Ted Haggard doing an interview and he was saying, “Christians have the best sex.” I looked at my husband with my eyebrows clear up to the sky and I said, “I can’t believe he just said that.” I even think at that moment my face was turning red. My husband said, “Well its true, Christians do have the best sex and we should be talking about it.” I remember thinking no we shouldn’t be talking about it, it’s private.

Let me give you a little background into my past and who I “USED” to be before I met Jesus and he saved me. When I was a young girl I was sexually abused by a family member, and my innocence and trust was stolen. I was then repeatedly abused by other family members for several years. When I reached my teen years I became sexually active because I thought this is how I expressed my love, by giving away my body. I did this too many times to count, every time thinking maybe this time he would love me, maybe this time I would be worthy of love. My body was left lifeless, hollow and empty like a shell to be used over and over again.

I married young at 19, thinking maybe now I will be good enough for love. I thought to myself, now that I am a wife I will be loved, but the love never came only heartache. If only I have a child then I will be lovable, although for a bit this did seem to fill a void because this new precious baby did love me and she needed me. I was on a non-stop merry go round, If only I could keep my house cleaner, if I could cook better he will love me. If, if, if only. I was left empty and alone. I remember blaming myself, for my then husband looking at pornography, I thought something was wrong with me. The deep craving for intimacy and love designed for marriage between a husband and a wife never came and my marriage ended in divorce. Again I was left alone and searching for someone to love me. The only thing that had changed over time was my wounds had become bigger, my heartaches deeper and the need for love stronger. I began to seek love and acceptance through alcohol and drugs. I found myself at the bars, frequently a drunken mess beyond recognition. I asked friends, “What did I do last night?” as I could not remember.

One night after much partying with a close friend, I somehow managed to drive home. Upon arriving home her ex-boyfriend was waiting for us in my backyard. He came out of the dark and was holding a gun. I witnessed him take his life right in front of my eyes. This rocked me to my core and inflicted fear and panic in me I had never experienced before. I couldn’t sleep every time I closed my eyes it would replay in my head over and over. I tried to numb the pain and mixed alcohol and sleep medication prescribed by my Doctor. This produced a very bad combination and during one of these occasions, I was raped by a high school friend which only inflicted more pain and more guilt in which I couldn’t handle. I tried to continue to go on with my life but I began to experience panic attacks and paralyzing fear. I was depressed and spiraling out of control but I couldn’t stop myself. I found myself in this place of trying to avoid the pain at all cost and yet nothing was working the pain was so big and I couldn’t escape it or hide from it. I was desperate for a change. Something had to change.

One day I remember driving past the car wash and seeing a man I used to work with, so I circled around and acted like I didn’t notice him. I had always thought he was really cute and I still did. I walked ever so slowly trying on purpose to get his attention, IT WORKED. He called me over to his car, we had small chit-chat but I noticed something on his seat. “Is that a Bible?” I asked him. “Yes,” he said. He began to explain that he had accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior and he was not the same person I used to know. I remember thinking I didn’t believe he had changed, I thought he was trying to use the Bible to get “The Ladies.”

I went to church as a young girl with my grandparents so I had a little bit of a background with the Bible I thought to myself well I am going to test him. So I started having conversations with him to see, if in fact he had really changed his ways. He did seem different not only the way he spoke but the way he looked. He had a different look in his eyes I couldn’t figure out this captivating love that attracted me. I wanted what he had. What was different?

We began dating shortly thereafter and I was head over heels in love with this man. He was loving and kind. He would open doors for me he treated me like a woman worthy of love and respect. He told me I was beautiful and treated me as such.  He looked at me with eyes that wanted to know me he asked me questions and listened intently. He would hold my hand and caress me, all the while being ever so gentle. I was being wooed. Then one day he looked at me and said, “I can’t date you anymore.” I was shocked. “Why not?” I asked. “You are not a Christian, Jesus Christ is not your Lord and Savior and our relationship is not going to work without him. “You can’t have a relationship with Jesus for me, you have to want a relationship with him for yourself.” He said. That was it, our dating was over and I was crushed. I remember thinking I will never hear from him again.

I think a few days later, all alone in my house I got down on my knees next to my bed. I said a heartfelt prayer to God.”God I want you in my life. I want what he has. Please forgive me of all my sins I want you Jesus to be the Lord of my life I believe you died on the cross for my sins and I accept you into my heart. I want you in my life even if I never see him again I need you in my life amen. I remember feeling different when I was finished praying. I got up and went to the mirror but I looked the same. I started reading my bible and going to church on my own. About two weeks later the phone rang and it was him calling. I was shocked “Hi,” I said. “I accepted Jesus in my heart and I have been going to church.” I told him. In a quiet sweet voice he said, “I know the Holy Spirit told me and that’s why I am calling.”

We started dating again and we were engaged a month later and married two months later. We will celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary this October. During our marriage God has begun the process of healing me physically and emotionally from my sexual abuse. He has restored what was taken and rebuilt what was crushed. He has renewed my mind and shown me what LOVE is. God has used my past hurts to heal and restore and bring much healing to a weary soul. I will say I am a work in progress and I have a VERY patient husband.

As woman, we have a huge amount of strength God has given us in our marriage in the area of sex. We can and should exercise this strength. Our husbands our wired different from us, they are mostly visual learners, if you get what I am saying. So ladies we need to be intentional about the visual images we are placing before them. Now, before you go and freak out, listen this is a GOOD thing because this helps us as well. We want our husbands to relate to us emotionally or perhaps around the house right? One sure way to get this to happen is to help him by satisfying him sexually, in turn he is wired to want to please us emotionally. Now I will say, men just like woman can sniff out a phony a mile away so if we’re going to fake it, they will know, if we’re going to act like we hate it, they will know. So ladies why don’t we on purpose initiate sex. On purpose put on the pretty bra and panties that will make him go crazy for no other reason than because he would like it and because you love him. How about we only please him for the night with no expectations? How about at the dinner table we whisper meet me in the bedroom naked in five minutes. I know your thinking she doesn’t know my husband, and what he has done or she doesn’t know what I have gone through and you’re right I don’t. But, I do know that we all want healing from past sexual hurts and we want stronger marriages. I know we all want to enjoy sex. I know women love their husbands and wish their husbands related to them better emotionally.

Our men are getting tempted everyday several times a day to look at other woman and it is our job to give them a boost to help them keep their eyes on us. So it doesn’t matter if you feel like it, or if you want to, you are married and love as defined by Dr Tim Kimmel says, “A commitment of my will to your needs and your best interests regardless of the cost to me.” WOW. Do we really love our husbands? Are they worth it? Is our marriage worth it? Is our healing worth it?

What if we started looking at our husbands with the eyes of (I want to devour you) (I want to please you) that is what our husbands desire, need and want from us. Now let me also say this, men have a responsibility to control themselves and their desires and their eyes that is a given, but as their wives we have a responsibility as well. They can’t please themselves ladies. If you need emotional healing from past sexual hurts or sins then seek the Lord in prayer and share with your husband and start being vulnerable with your husband, that is where the healing begins. I know it sounds crazy but I can say, I know God is faithful in this area, I have been there and I am having victory on the other side. God will start healing our hurts when we allow ourselves to become vulnerable again. When we give more than we are possibly getting.

My fear in writing this and sharing my heart is to be ridiculed, or attacked or to be told I am sounding like I know it all, but I say all this to you, as a broken clay pot. I have not arrived and I don’t have all the answers. I can only share what healing Jesus has brought into my own life and hope to encourage others through my pain.

Lord Jesus, as I look around at all the broken marriages, Lord please start with me, break my heart. Rebuild me and show me how to love my husband the way he needs to be loved. Help me to be his helper to help him heal and learn to accept his love. Lord help me to be real with him, genuine, honest and sincere. Help me to love him with no preconceived notions, help me to forgive much, and to keep no record of wrongs, help me to be the first to reconcile, help me to only have eyes for him, help me to be the wife that is the jewel in his crown, God let the words that leave my lips be sweet when speaking of my beloved husband, let me lift him up not tear him down, help me to be his biggest cheerleader, help me to welcome him home with open arms and a kiss everyday. Show me how to appreciate his leadership and viewpoint different from mine. Help me Jesus let all these words be yours and not mine in Jesus name amen.

2 Corinthians 4:7 NLT

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not ourselves.

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One thought on “Healing from Sexual Hurts

  1. Thank you for sharing, so candidly and bravely. As someone from one of those broken marriages, I have many regrets, many things I wish I could do over. If you are blessed enough to have your husband at home, seriously consider all Teandra has said here, not the least of which was ask God to work in you and heal your past hurts. Remember the beginning of your relationship and what you wouldn’t have done to please him then. Work to stay in right relationship with Jesus, take care of yourself spiritually, emotionally and physically and work to stay head over heels in love. If husband or wife lacks fulfillment in a marriage, the enemy is all to eager to put someone in the path to bring temptation. Guard yourselves, become fireproof!

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