This is a portion of my journal entry dated 6/7/2014
The fear of failure is gripping me, how many times have I picked up a pad of paper and a pen to write and nothing comes. I can’t even muster up a thought. I know I am called to write, I have known this since I was young, but how? How do I use the gifts God has placed deep in my being? How do I get past my own thoughts of past regrets and insecurities to walk in the will of God for my life? I have every legitimate excuse: I am too busy, I have 5 children at home, one of which is special needs. I am home schooling them, I have a 9 month old baby and I am breast feeding. I am tired because I was up every hour and a half feeding him last night and I am exhausted. Did I mention I am tired?
These are all great excuses in my book, and I have a ton more, the laundry, cleaning, paying the bills, the list continues…The truth is I am trapped in a cage I can’t escape, because I know what God wants me to do and I choose not to obey and I am miserable. I profess to be a Christian, I believe that Jesus Christ is my savior. He was born of a virgin birth died on cross crucified for my sins. He rose again and he is in heaven seated at the right hand of the father.
I asked him into my heart repented of my sins, pray regularly, attend church (when we make it), I read my Bible; but, the one thing I know God has called me to do I don’t do.
James 1:22 says: Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.
Do I love Him? Am I truly following Christ? Am I walking in freedom? Do I have joy? Do I have peace?
I am realizing at this very moment I cannot have peace and joy apart from the will of God in my life.
Luke 9:23 says: Then he said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.
This is why I am writing at this very moment. I want to be obedient to Jesus Christ not just by my words but by my actions as well. I choose today to follow the path God has carved out for me. For so long, I would tell other people, “I just don’t know what God wants me to do.”
The truth is I knew long ago. I just wanted to do other things that didn’t seem so hard or scary. I wanted to do things in my own strength. I think about my writing and it is a strength a gift from the Lord, but it’s my biggest weakness as well. I have to rely on the Lord to do the very thing He has asked and called me to do. I cannot do it without him.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
I literally didn’t know what to write about today the little ones are napping and my husband is giving the boys a haircut and I heard the Holy Spirit say, “Go read your journal.” So I got up and started reading and I couldn’t believe what I wrote a little over a year ago. Now here I am writing and I have 2 blogs which I thought was impossible. We live in a different state our lives are totally changed. A year ago, I couldn’t see past leaking breast pads, and sleepless nights and now the thought of never having a new baby and breastfeeding again makes my eyes swell with tears, because that season of my life is over but a new season has begun. The chains that were once weighing me down are no more. So let us fix our eyes on Jesus and let him break our chains that have kept us in bondage for to long..